The Gift

I just can’t imagine……
How in the world……
Those poor parents…..
I don’t understand…..
How could this happen…..

These same thoughts kept replaying in my head over and over all weekend. I’d start sentences but could not end them. It was too hard to go there. The grief and fear that has taken over my body is crippling. There hasn’t been a moment in the last 72 hours that I haven’t thought of the horrific events of this past Friday. As a parent, I’ve been rocked to my core in a way I never thought possible. In my heart and soul, I grieve and ache for the parents, students and community of Sandy Hook Elementary.

I want to hold my kids and never let them go. I want to shield them from danger and keep them safe. The fear that something could happen to them overtakes me and the fear becomes crippling. But I can’t live that way. I won’t live that way. Life moves forward and I am doing my best to make peace with that when I know for so many families, it will not move on. Not for a long while. Instead of letting the fear take over I am doing my best to rise above it.

The best way I can honor those sweet innocent lives lost is to be present with my own children.
In a time of social media and especially with blogging, so much of my time is spent on the computer. If I’m not posting, I am updating my status on Facebook, chatting on twitter, or checking my Instagram feed. I might be in the same room as my kids but I’m not actually present. But no more. It’s time for me to take a step back and really see my kids. And to just be with them.

My world has been really crazy the past few months. Often days I’m barely keeping up. I wake up feeling anxious because I have so much to do and I go to bed exhausted knowing I’m going to get up again the next day to do it again. I’ve essentially been a single mom since the end of August, I’m trying to run a business, be a mom, and find time for myself. I’ve been stressed to the max trying to balance a life that quite frankly can not be balanced. I have too much on my plate. And something has to give. What happened Friday was the tipping point for me. It took something so tragic to make me realize that I don’t have to balance anything. The only thing that matters are the two babies sitting in front of me.

The children that lost their lives on Friday gave me a gift.

They gave me the gift of clarity. I have two healthy children and I husband whom I love more than anything. I’ve been too busy to see them. I have everything I need right in front of me. It’s time to slow down and be in the moment.

To the parents who lost your children: I will honor your babies by seeing mine.